Clarity

I feel like I am starting to come out of the cobwebs that surrounded me the past few years. The stress of needing to get a job kind of clouded my mind. Instead of learning more about what I wanted to do I freaked myself out and took any job that was offered as I did not think I would find anything else. The pressure to make something of myself pushed what I'd like to be doing career-wise to the back of my mind and this vicious cycle kept my head thick with worries, anxiety, pressure, and indecisiveness.

But now, I feel like this so-called fog is lifting. I have a clearer idea of where I am, what I want and what I have to offer. Not really an epiphany but more of a realization deep within that if this is the only life I have then I need to be sure I do what makes me feel good.

And being creative is it. If I can make things then I am content. And even better...I know where the creativeness lies---it lies in writing, colour, design, fabrics, patterns, knitting, sewing, fashion and handmade goods. And weirdly enough the internet has really made me the see the potential to do all these things and make a living at it.

I really owe T on this one. His patience of teaching me how to use Indesign and Illustrator these past few months have opened up an area where I feel like I "get" it. I like colour and I like taking a few pieces and making them fit together in a visually appealing way. It is immensely challenging and I am not sure if exhibit design is for me but the graphic element definitely is. But T's support and underlying belief in me is indescribable...I am so lucky to have a partner that not only sees my talents when I cannot he refuses to let me hide from them.

For the first time in ages I feel inspired. I want to draw again...I pretty much stopped drawing years ago. And I want to dance again... just because I love to move and I forgot that...I forgot the joy. Next time we are anywhere for a bit of time dance classes are on the top of the list.

Things just seem to be moving in the right direction these days...and I am glad for it.

what to do?

i am feeling pulled in two different directions. we are supposed to be leaving in the next few weeks to go travelling and a work opportunity has come up which would be great but it will interfere with the travels we have planned. i am not sure what to do. thoughts?

getting me down

It is early and I feel half asleep which is pretty much how I have been feeling for the past month. It is cold here, about -20C, beats me what that is in Fahrenheit but let me just say it is COLD. Like freeze your cheeks off (either set) cold or wear as many layers starting with thermals cold. Anyway the colder it gets the more I think I am not a cold-weather person. I like the snow but not the wind-chill.
I went to my first Christmas party of the season. It was an open house at an agency where I used to work. Everyone there is amazing, they truly were to best group of people to work with. It was nice to catch up with everyone but after the end of the night I ended up feeling a bit melancholy about my career or, to be honest, my lack of one. I am not too sure why it hit me more last night and today but I suppose it is that I see friends or co-workers my age moving ahead, getting promoted and earning great wages and seeming pretty darn happy. I usually get the inevitable question "So...where are you now?" to which I have to try and explain all the jobs I've held in the last 2.5 years. Which usually gets a "Wow...that is a lot of jobs..". I just end up feeling inarticulate, stupid and a little bit embarrassed by the fact that I am 26, edging on 27, and I have no clear career direction yet. It is just kind of getting me down today.

the lady life or biatch?

so my face has recovered from when i got beaned last week. and i am feeling less guilt about quitting my job. i guess i can whine about it or suck it up and face the future which lately has been difficult for me. but i keep thinking that it has got to get better soon, so with that in my back pocket i am looking at all the options and preparing myself to make better choices when it comes to my career. the past few years have been rough but i have learned a lot about myself as well as what i like to do...which is not necessarily the same as what i am good at. but i do know that i need to have a lot of contact with people, just sitting in the same area does not work for me. also i love to be creative and the past few jobs have not let me express myself this way, although they have taught me a great deal of other important skills. so i have decided that i can be pickier with jobs, i don't have to choose the first thing that comes along. i suppose i am lucky too as T is around and working, he says he just wants me to be happy. to make things easier the two of us have some work together so i will not be a penniless mooch lying on the couch, brushing leftover chips off my ever expanding waistline, while he slaves away. actually it is pretty nice i am doing some copy changes for a client. i used to be a serious creative writer in high school but a degree in kinesiology pretty much sucked that right out of my life. so i am very nervous to be writing again but at the same time very excited. i am keeping my ear to the ground on other creative opportunities that interest me so if anyone has any suggestions on what a creative, athletic, moody, goofy, travel crazed gal should be doing let me know. to "life" bring it on biAtch.....i am ready.

metaphors, meh and secrets

so things have been trucking along but there have been a few potholes. fortunately i am working on the paving part...sigh i really could talk in metaphors all day but then i suppose at the end of the day i would forget what i was talking about. anyhow back to straight forward, which i am, apparently to a fault at times. perhaps i am too honest but really i don't believe in lying but i suppose it comes off not so nice at times. i digress, back to the metaphor speak so things have been sort of meh for me umm...professionally (ironic isn't it? i want to be more direct but i do see the danger of blogs and being too honest so i will have to work around the issue a bit). so i have decided that the only one who can make it change is me. so i feel more positive already and am doing a mental tap dance on the guilt i have surrounding this, wait maybe it is more flamenco style (i like the dresses much more).
i watched "the secret" about 2 months ago and although cheesy i think there really is some truth to what and how you think affects the world around you (ex: positive thinking bring positive opportunities). sometimes i am bad at this whole positive thinking because i feel that this whole idea is a bit hippy dippy but then when i see someone,who is happy and excuding positive vibes, loving life i think there must be something to it. and since i have been thinking that traveling the world, living on beaches and growing my hair down my back beats sitting in an office all day, i think i may just have a hidden flower child on the inside. but a clean flower child - i will never not shower or wear patchouli (aka soil smell) perfume in case you were worried.