why

so we watched "the last king of scotland" on saturday night and honestly i am still recovering. it was an interesting film and it definitely captured my attention. i have a hard time comprehending people like Idi Amin, i mean how can they get into power? yet, it seems, that time and time again unstable and violent people take over nations. i suppose they are charming at the beginning winning trust and making promises that sound amazing, but how they can get away with murdering hundreds of thousands of people? it makes me furious. although i was not born during Amin's reign it was only about 30 years ago that he was in power. that is ludicrous...what is more insane is that we don't hear about it until things are absolutely horrendous, how can this happen? how can we continually turn a blind eye? and why does it not change? it is things like this that make we wonder about what i am doing and about whether i might be better utilized at least trying to make a teeny difference like my friend lu.

revisiting the teenage years in more than one way

so my weekend went by way too fast, possibly because I slept for about 19 hours of it...straight. went to a stagette on friday night which was fun but i was exhausted as the last week was crazy. and the exhaustion continued as i did not get to bed until 3:30 on saturday morning. t, some friends and i went for breakfast and then i crawled into bed at 1pm for nap. yup that is right i woke up sunday morning at 8am. apparently my parents were right eventually no sleep really does catch up with you.
other than that the weekend was pretty quiet but not in a rejuvenating way so next weekend is for me and t to relax and do nothing. i am hoping it actually happens we both really need some quiet time.
a difficult person has come into my life and it is proving to be a frustrating time for me as i think it is a massive personality clash and i cannot deal with it as i usually would due to the circumstances. poor t has heard me vent but that is all i have done about it....so i hope some down time will allow me to properly think through the options i have to deal with this individual. it is so crazy, i honestly thought that i had gotten rid of this kind of person in my life and lo and behold years later after many bad experiences in junior and senior high, lessons learned and then swearing to myself that i would not deal with this again it is back in a big, irritating way.

last night

what do you get with....

• a newborn
• 12 mothers or moms to be
• 12 teachers
• wine
• piles of baby gifts
• and me uncomfortably sitting on the couch while pregnant women rubbed their bellies and asked when i was having kids.

you get a fast getaway and the reinforcement that one is still unsure about kids....not to mention that hearing about the birthing process is enough to make you never want to have kids.
Pushing a watermelon out a space the size of a lemon!

daily life drowning

i am feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment, my life seems to have taken on a form of all work and all play but no kels time. i feel stretched to the max and although i am usually more than happy to be busy, i feel like i am on the edge of a burnout. i know, it seems crazy but I really feel that trying to do it all… work, see friends, see family, see husband added to the constant pressure i am putting on myself to start discovering what i really want to do is making me pretty tired these days.
it might be a case of be careful what you wish for i guess, i made the decision last week to talk to my boss about possibly trying some other things at work which she seemed pretty receptive to, which is awesome, but it will be a busy and hectic year for me judging by this past week. this brings me to my alone time. i am a person who recharges by being alone. hanging out in sweats and watching movies that i love (amelie or the princess bride), knitting,, reading…anything really as long as i am in my own company. i love my friends and family tonnes but i really need my own space. lately it has been non-stop with weeks full of work and weekends full of family, friends and errands. i am craving some down time but it is nowhere to be seen…for example tonight i have a baby shower and tomorrow night a stagette.
i am not complaining but i sort of need a bit of time to reflect and continue to move to towards to goal of learning more about myself and how i want to live my life. my fear is to wake up 80 and wonder why i did not take risks or wonder what if….i want to get out there and experience all there is but i must admit that at times I get scared. it would be so easy to stay in one place and never leave but i know that if i did that i would cheating myself by settling for the easy route.
T called me a gypsy the other day maybe i am. my desire to move is instinctual like i need change to experience life fully…i blame this on the fact that for my first 4 or 5 birthdays i was not in the country (another way to blame my folks ha ha ha). maybe the travel addiction is built in…regardless i feel it bubbling inside. i am trying to keep it to a simmer but it is threatening to boil over. Maybe some “me” time will quiet it at least for now….

goodness

i am winding up my long weekend today. things have been pretty good, although i still feel like i could use some more time doing nothing instead of catching up on things i have been meaning to do, but any time to myself is better than none at all.
i was super excited to meet a friend of a friend this weekend. it was great, i picked her up and we had a fabulous breakfast where we talked about everything. it was like we were old friends just picking up where we left off. moments like that make me feel so elated! i love meeting people i can relate to and have interesting and meaningful conversations with.
(so Lu i owe you a big thanks for the introduction)
i spent some time with the fam this weekend which was nice and the easter bunny did arrive at my folk's house where t and i stayed over. it was a mass of candy in the house as apparently the easter bunny got a bit confused and stopped in a few times. but we all ended up with a whole lot of sugar which is going to be dangerous for me since i have a sweet tooth.
even better was the beginning of my long weekend when t took me out to see anoushka shankar (who is amazing) and he gave me a silver bracelet to add to my collection, just because...
he knows i am having a bit of a rough time so it was so nice to receive the support. that is the type of people i need around me right now.

uncertainty

I am having one of those days when I am not sure what I am doing is right or even if I know what I want to do..but lately I have been feeling like I am not on the right path. But then one will ask “what is the right path” and unfortunately I am unable to answer that question. So it leads me to ponder, “if my heart is not feeling right what am I doing wrong and what would I change” so there I am second guessing myself on an almost daily basis. I am unsure of what the next step should be and I am scared that I will mess up yet again. And that I will always be moving around that I will never find my place. Right now I am longing for the days I spent wandering through Asia when I did not wonder about career, money and such. I am desperate for that freedom again but it seems so far away now. I know, I know waaah waaah suck it up. I am not trying to be so lame. I just feel like I am not living my truth but I am unsure of what my truth is.

lesson learned

this past weekend was crazy busy. plus i was fighting a cold and am still not 100%. perhaps that is because i got no sleep this weekend. friday night some friends came over which was nice. i attempted to make my first pizza ever (yep home made dough) and it worked really well. i really am starting to enjoy cooking and baking quite a bit. anyhow somehow we lost track of time and i did not get to bed until 4 am. then on saturday i was a bit hung over and had agreed to go out that night with my younger sis and her friends to Ceili's as it was the last night it was open....yeah note to self, i am not 23 anymore. i can't really do the bar that much anymore. i always have high hopes but usually by the end of the night i remember that i am 26, that the smell abusing my nostrils is a combo of fumes from the bathrooms, vomit and people's sweat and that here i am standing in a room full of people younger than me looking to hook up with anyone (yuck). don't get me wrong i have had many a good night out but i suppose that at some point being at the bar loses its attractiveness. anyway by about 1 am i was done and left my sister and her friends partying it up, found a cab and gratefully crawled into my bed. i woke up early feeling ok but really tired and grumpy, so lesson learned 23 and 26 are further away than i thought..sigh.